i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
