I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
