and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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