it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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