she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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