As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize