I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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