Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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