I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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