I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
