i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize