So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
