Your dad touched me again.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
