If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
