i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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