I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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