ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
