It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
