i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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