I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
