Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
