Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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