I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
