Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
