Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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