the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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