Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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