OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
