Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
