I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
