lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
