I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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