You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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