god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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