just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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