i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
