I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
