This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Boobs speak an international language.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
