the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
