Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
