do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
