I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
