I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
