i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
