i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
