All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
