i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
