We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
