do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
