This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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