So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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