wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
