So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
