And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
