Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
