I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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