He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
