Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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